Don't know what I'm doing with this little thing, debating if I'm going to take the Nano hunks down (partially because putting raw draft up is always embarrassing, partially because should I ever finish redoing it I don't want this hanging about on the interwebs). Who knows, I'll leave it up for now, I may or may not put my practice writes on the other groups' prompts up here. Maybe I'll just hand onto them for interested parties. Not that there seems to really be more than one of these. Ah well.

It feels good to be writing again, I hope ultimately this contest doesn't make me feel all fucked up about my writing all over again so I stop since I think the internal pressure would kill me.

So many things to get through, I'm not sure how I will ever make it through them all.

Its been several months since I've been on here. Fall break came and went finals came and went as did the holidays, winter break and Monday heralds the beginning of the remainder of my classes this semester. My bio class is already proving to be a lot of effort, but promising, this year has been like some sort of synchronity at work I guess, certain sorts of people in my classes, *teaching* my classes, coworkers at my job...more than I've run into previously, and of a wider and more unusual variety. Part of me wonders if it's not some sort of challenge to my nihilism but that requires believing in something again for more than a fleeting paranoiac moment.

I don't think a person can survive on utter subjectivity and meaninglessness. It warps everything. There's no reason for anything, although it's kind of strange this human compulsion to need a so-called "higher" reason or purpose. Maybe we need to fantasize about that sort of epic romantic order to the multi-verse because we're all so fucking empty and hollow and pathetic and we'll never come to terms with it. Maybe we need to imagine up gods and cast ourselves as slaves to creatures no more powerful than we are except they live in our dreams and fever'd visions because we're flawed and we know it and we can't face the idea that we could possibly be IT, that there's no great father God to pick us up off our skinned knees and chastise us for touching ourselves in public that whatever mistakes we make we have to fucking own. Our strengths, our weaknesses, that each of us just has to be enough because we don't have a fucking choice, we're not eternal children seeking approval from some cosmic parents we'll never earn. But we act like it.

I don't see the point in any of it anymore.
But I won't say that so loud because I've already alarmed enough people.
I doubt anyone who knows me will ever read this, I could likely say whatever I want, but I'll hold on that.
I'm not depressed, more betrayed, it's a strange sort of psychological vertigo, I'm alone and I'm scared and I don't like it and I will say that here because I won't lie awake in a panic wondering who saw it and what the impact will be.

On a side note the doctor is calling me in some Z-pac so the germs will die : D

Not that I don't have a term paper I've barely started due next monday, not that I don't have four billion paperworky things to do asap, not that I don't have a number of bs assignments to do and three chapters + of algebra to learn as soon as I can, not that I haven't worked on the NaNo since last weekend and I don't think there is any way I can actually hit the deadline. And not that I don't have to go to the dentist and work a couple extra hours this week...But I can pretend like it's different. I don't have to stay awake for like a 36 hour block again on Monday so that's always fantastic.

I should be in bed right now, but I suck, and had a nap it's amazing how with properly spaced naps I can go indefinitely on about 3-4 hours of sleep a day.

I'm tired and frustrated and my house is dirty

This mood emoticon is like perfect and I want to be able to magically appear it over my head at whim. : D

Thanx for the welcome guys ^^

I really need to get like some avatars and stuff, or something I'm all lame right now lol. I suck so bad with the visual stuff and I have no scanner yet anyway, maybe then I'll upload some of my odd little poem/clip/wordart things and then I'll have things people can look at instead of big hunks of text heh.

I hate being in school right now I just want to work on the NaNo (Which I'm not even halfway and today is the halfway mark *mopes*) and of course the NaNo makes me just like crazy to get back to my real manuscript...it's so tempting to just drop the NaNo and seize up Nigredo with my typical gusto and tendance to obcess and then burn out on it just as suddenly whoot I suck. Besides I kinda think there might be something to take from the NaNo when all is said and done and much is edited/deleted out lol. Bleh.

I guess I'll put somemore random stuff up here and get to my bed so I can go to the death and dying class later. Awesomeness.

I dunno, wandering around seeing what's here etcetc...

Kinda hate posting the NaNoWriMo Project as it's really bad in places, but it's the only thing I'm working on at the moment.

-Seth